Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
