I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
