If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
