I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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