He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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