You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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