she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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