I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
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