Do you still have your period?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
