hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
