if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
