I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
