i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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