I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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