Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
