I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He passed out mid-signature
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
