i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
