I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
