There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
