this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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