We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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