What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
