she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
