Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
