worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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