Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize