When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My bed smells like the plague
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize