I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
