So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
