i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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