I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
