I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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