Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Actions speak louder than pants.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize