Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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