I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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