I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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