Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
