A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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