nut hugger
You smell like a Billy Joel song
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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