id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
