I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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