I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
