I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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