I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
