just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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