And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
