I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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