your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
