You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
