omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
